The government’s preparations for a ‘no-deal’ scenario have been spluttering off the presses. Buried in the mass of fudge and waffle was a nugget of good news – Global Britain is set to become the world’s leading producer of red tape.
The announcement was made, almost by accident, by the man formerly acting as Brexit Secretary. Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab looked shifty, nervous and sweaty as he announced the shifty, nervous and sweaty plans.
He glossed over this important detail. However, we at LCD Views would like to shout it from the rooftops. It’s a HUGE BOOST for red tape MANUFACTURERS!
Forget the referendum promise to reduce red tape. This has been an Alice Through The Looking Glass Brexit for a long time now, in which the reality is the opposite of the projected image. Humpty Dumptyism reigns, whereby if you use a word, it means precisely what you want it to mean.
“This is why increased red tape is a triumph!” crowed Brexit analyst Topsie Turvey. “It’s a true Brexit Dividend. This will stimulate manufacturing all over the country. No longer will dark Satanic millowners lose business to cheap imports from China, they can get on with making British red tape for the Global Britain market.”
And it’s not just red tape.
“It’s also red, white and blue tape!” claimed Turvey. “And soft tape and hard tape, cooked goose tape and half-baked tape. We will have our tape and cut it.”
Cutting red tape. That was the promise.
“You can’t cut red tape without first producing red tape,” Turvey scolded. “By producing vast quantities, we can cut more and more red tape!”
At least we will be able to cut down on surplus packaging. Imported goods will be wrapped in so much red tape as to render it totally unnecessary.
And the fudge and waffle will feed the masses indefinitely.