Privately-run Strangeways Prison in Manchester, announced Tuesday that it has taken over the Government of the United Kingdom after executives concluded that “drastic action” was needed to address failings in administration as the, increasingly rat infested, country teeters towards a “no deal” Brexit.
Officials from operators “Strangeways Plc”, confirmed early Monday that trained prison offers and security officers had been sent into 10 Downing Street, parliament, and all major ministries following concerns over safety, security and the future economic well being of the country taking advantage of the fact that having sent parliament into recess, Theresa May, most of her cabinet and even Brexit hard liners like Boris Johnson, had all buggered off on holiday until September.
Strangeways CEO, Frank Boddington said: “We have the spectacle of a government relaxing in the idyllic setting of their Tuscany summer houses while the country plunges off an economic cliff. We had no choice but to intervene and bring our expertise to bear on the situation.”
According to Boddington with over a decade of experience of running one of the UK’s toughest prisons, Strangeways is ideally equipped to take over running the entire country.
“We feed clothe, house and care for hundreds of the most dangerous people in the country, managing a country of angry proles, eating from food banks will be a doddle – there’ll be no food and medicine shortages on our watch,” he promised.
Boddington explained, that once a planned overhaul of the tax system has been fully implemented and super rich tax evaders limited to a weekly income of £4.60 plus a small tin of rolling tobacco and a packet of Rizlas, there will be plenty of resources to fund the NHS and all other public services.
“And if any potential tax dodgers think they can slip away unnoticed to a convenient tax haven, they’d better think again,” he warned, explaining out that the prison, which celebrates its 150th anniversary this year had never experienced a single successful break out.
“Unless we include those via the execution block on B wing,” he winked, pointing out that equally no one had ever succeeded in breaking into Strangeways, making his prison the ideal body to administer immigration policy.
However the shock move came in for strong criticism from self appointed next prime minister in waiting, the right honourable Sir Jacob Rees Mogg, UHOA, STFU, and bar.
Sir Rees-Mogg pointed out that other than managing a closed environment, from which entry and exit were strictly monitored, maintaining law and order, discipline, health and safety and keeping to strict budgetary limits, a private prison company simply doesn’t have the experience or the skill set to manage an entire country plunging headfirst into penury and despotism.
Speaking from his newly opened hedge fund headquarters, in the 40th floor penthouse office suite of O’Rees-Mogg towers, Dublin Sir Jacob O’Rees-Mogg was adamant.
” There’s only one company that can successfully manage to help the United Kingdom realise its destiny as a badly run, impoverished third world prison camp, and that’s, Tory Party PLC, run by me, he crowed adding that it must be true because his nanny agrees.
“And Nanny Bannon is always right, far, far right,” he smirked.