Privatisation is the answer to everything. So, in a move which has surprised most commentators, the stalled Brexit negotiations have been outsourced to G4S.
Government duty flunkey Derry Liction explained the position to LCD Views. “The private sector delivers results cheaply and efficiently,” he prevaricated. “This is a move designed to make a success of negotiations, avoid the costs, and most of all wash our hands of all responsibility for it.”
Why G4S? After all, they couldn’t do a very good job of running Birmingham Prison.
“On the contrary,” countered Liction. “They did an excellent job. Their job was to make the prison act as a deterrent. So the reports of drugs, vomit, cockroaches and rats are all correct, and part of the strategy. Prisoners are in fear for their lives. It’s all good. After all, prisons are not meant to be holiday camps!”
In that case, why has Birmingham Prison been taken over again by the government?
“It’s the fault of hand-wringing do-gooder Guardian-reading snowflakes,” said Liction grumpily. “Some so-called bleeding-heart liberal whinger found out about it and created a stink. Well, there was outrage, so something had to be done. Don’t worry, the boys at G4S will be richly compensated for this unfortunate downturn in their business.”
What makes G4S a suitable Brexit negotiator?
“As I said, they bring good value for money,” he said. “They know what they are doing. What we need is security. Like, Oi, Germany, you ain’t coming in ‘ere with trainers on! Oi, France, bog off, come back when you’re young and pretty! Hey Spain, castanets are banned and so are you mate! If they want to come into this country they have to respect the dress code and British customs.”
Like getting bladdered on watered-down lager and picking a fight with anyone who looks vaguely foreign?
“Quite,” said Liction smugly. “They will capitulate in no time. It’s that simple.”
What could possibly go wrong?