Trade Secretary Liam Fox announced the proposal earlier today. The solution to congestion at Dover and the resulting tailbacks is simple, he said. Just move the problem elsewhere.
“Calais was British property for thousands of years,” Fox asserted. “It was only handed back to France with the rest of the Empire relatively recently, so the EU should do the decent thing and return it to England. After all, it’s their fault we voted to leave.”
Apart from the historical inaccuracies, how does that help?
“There’s loads of space in Calais,” Fox invented wildly. “No white cliffs to get in the way of expansion. It’s the continent, not a crowded little island, and who cares anyway, it’s France! That’s another item off my to-do list.”
It won’t work. The EU will never take it seriously. I can already hear Michel Barnier laughing.
“Nonsense!” Fox barked. “It’s in everyone’s best interests. When I die you will find ‘Calais’ written on my heart.”
But it will, if it even happens, create another border problem.
“Hard border, soft border? Chinese, Japanese? What’s the difference? You need to stop talking down my excellent solutions with traitorous factmongering,” Fox concluded magnificently. “Now if you will excuse me, I have to finish five more levels on Candy Crush.”
The daffy doctor departed, leaving more questions than answers. In desperation LCD Views turned to international expert Paris Texas.
“I don’t know where to start,” she admitted. “This so-called solution creates contradiction upon contradiction. The EU won’t consider it, the hard-line Brexiteers will see it as remaining through the back door.”
The British have form with arbitrary borders, don’t they?
“Yes,” she agreed. “Some minion in Whitehall will be told to create a border. Probably the same poor chap who had to draw up Theresa May’s red lines.”
The idea, however infeasible, has taken root among government chancers. Boris Johnson has already promised to build a bridge between Dover and Calais.