Following her denouncement of the decision to cast multiple award winning ‘actor of colour’, Idris Elba as the next James Bond, Hollywood, is agog with rumours that serially sacked right wing bigot, Katie Hopkins has agreed to take on the role of the Bond franchise’s longstanding “wallflower”, Miss Moneypenny.
“It was Katie’s insistence that the franchise should remain true to the original vision of Bond writer Ian Flemming that did it, and we were happy to amend the script accordingly and offer her a contract,” explained Curly Broccoli, franchise spokesman and grandson of long time Bond film producer Cubby Broccoli.
Broccoli also confirmed that the producers had been much impressed by Hopkins’ screen test, in which she demonstrated her uncanny ability to swivel her eyes in opposite directions and revolve her entire head through 180 degrees while declaiming her lines.
“Even Blofeld couldn’t do that,” he laughed.
Unfortunately for Hopkins the role will likely differ somewhat from what she may have envisaged.
“You have to remember that the original Bond novels were penned in the 1950s and the first film was shot in 1962, so to remain true to that timeline Moneypenny, if she is still alive, would by now be well into her 90s,” said Broccoli pointing out that given that as, over the course of the franchise she repeatedly fails to get bedded by Bond, she is also likely to be somewhat bitter.
“In short, she’s a saggy faced, embittered old munter, endlessly reminiscing about unrequited past glories, so in fact an ideal role for Katie, and we hardly need bother with make up” he added, conceding that perhaps being sacked as a Mail online columnist for libelling a food blogger and then being booted off LBC for calling for a “final solution” hardly qualifies as “glory”.
“Anyway, she’s clearly a psychopathic self publicist, as such she was happy to waive her fee and take the role just for the exposure,” Broccoli explained, confirming that for the sake of authenticity her contract pays her a symbolic ‘one penny’ – “pre-decimal of course..” he added.
And, that given the age of her character the only “exposure” she would be getting would be fully clothed.
Broccoli declined to give away any details of what promises to be a controversial plot, confirming only that there “may or may not be ‘pussy galore’, but however many there are, Hopkins won’t be one of them”.
“In the real world, no one gets to live twice and any dreams Katie, I mean Moneypenny, may have of being, gold-fingered, moon-rakered, plugged by the man with the golden Walther PPK, spotted by his golden eye, or having the living daylights roger-moored out of her casino royale, will be very much unrealised,” he said confirming that the closest she’ll get to being hands on with Idris is when he offers her his elbow as support in lieu of her Zimmer frame, only to be stabbed by her poisoned finger nail.
“Obviously he survives, but she doesn’t – which is clearly what Ian Flemming would have wanted,” said Broccoli, declining also to confirm widespread rumours that the working title for the new movie is “Game over For Gammon”.
“We did for a while toy with calling it “Thundercunt”, but we felt Katie was getting way too much exposure as it was,” he added.