Great news today for people worried about how they’ll afford to travel to work next year with the announcement from the very top that Downing Street has ordered banks to offer mortgages for annual rail fares.
”This covers season tickets too,” a spokesman for terrified and empty gammon flavoured crisp T May told LCD Views, “Chris Grayling will be personally overseeing the sub-prime derivatives market that will naturally flow from this as the upper echelons refuse to remember what capitalism actually is.”
The mortgages are expected to be offered by all high street banks and a few fiesty upstarts.
”Payday loan companies needn’t think they’ve been forgotten either,” the spokesman illuminated, “as naturally the market for loans on one day travel cards is expected to be bullish, with interest rates tailored to suit the desperation of the customers.”
The mortgages, which will come as standard fixed rate for fixed term products, or variable and trackers, will be repayable direct from the happy customers’ pay packet.
But what if people default in the great post Brexit job massacre to come in 2019?
”Then they’ll be sold an additional mortgage to cover the higher cost of travelling to the field work they will have agreed to undertake should they default,” the spokesman said, “and the re-sale value of their organs will be used to underwrite the risk, as they will have made themselves a credit risk in the process of defaulting on the mortgage needed to afford the dividends required by train company bosses,
”This solves the travel element of the productivity puzzle too. It’s a signal of great thinking coming down the line from No. 10. Just have faith, it’ll all be in the fine print.”
And surely with the services sector shrinking and under threat from Brexit it’ll be an innovative product for British based banks to sell across Europe too?
This question caused a burst of mirth from the spokesman.
”You won’t see any continental European mortgaging themselves for a rail ticket. All those governments are communist and steal hard working British workers tax money to subsidy their services. But that gravy train is coming to an end.”