Disgraced former rear of the year Boris Johnson made the plea in the wake of his controversial comments in the Telegraph. His party has threatened to withdraw the whip, and he’s not best pleased. As usual, the buxom blond had made a massive arse of himself.
The potential PM’s private peccadillo has been revealed. In common with many posh ex-public schoolboys, the bumbling bombshell gets off on flagellation.
A friend of Johnson’s spoke to LCD Views on condition of anonymity, so let’s call him ‘Michael Gove’.
“Boris and I are members of an exclusive club,” oozed ‘Gove’. “We enjoy, erm, unusual stimuli. Asphyxiation and flagellation, don’t you know. The public thinks it’s just another think tank, called Hang ‘Em And Flog ‘Em.
“That’s right!” agreed ‘Gove’’s friend, who gave his name as ‘Alex de Pfeffel’. “I’m always in the Miss Whiplash Room. There’s this one young filly, name of Saffiyya, lovely girl, never says a word but my goodness can she handle a cat o’ nine tails! She comes in, wearing full letterbox burqa, all you can see is the twinkle in her eyes. You never know quite what she is going to do. It’s very exciting! I’m all of a fibblefabble just thinking about it!”
“That’s why he… I mean, Mr Johnson, wants to ban it,” explained ‘Gove’. “It’s unstatesmanlike to get incoherently aroused whenever you encounter a Muslim lady.”
Johnson’s reputation as a lecherous tart goes before him. As ‘Gove’ delicately puts it, “Boris has his, erm, Johnson in many, erm, pies.”
As Foreign Secretary, Johnson was able to circle the globe in the cause of diplomacy and, erm, pies. “Foreign Sec!” he is reported to have said. “Almost as good as British sex!”
But withdrawing the whip may have unforeseen consequences. “I don’t think Mr Johnson knows what withdrawal means,” remarks his long-suffering personal physician Tigham Together. “Once in place, he stays in place until the job is done.”
Dr Together denied rumours that Johnson has a girl, with several improbably blonde children, in every port. “It’s my job to make sure he keeps his nose clean,” be claims. “No more diplomatic cock-ups, I tell him, every time. Protect yourself from the consequences of your actions!”
And if the whip is withdrawn?
“Mr Johnson will have to apply his considerable energy to another project,” replied Dr Together. “He is threatening to go into full time mainstream politics!”
Meanwhile ‘de Pfeffel’ and ’Gove’ emerged from Hang ‘Em And Flog ‘Em, shaken and very much stirred. “We know when we are beaten!” quipped ‘de Pfeffel’. “Now let’s get some drugs and come back for another round! Our friend Steve Bann…”
“Mr Bigballs,” interrupted ‘Gove’.
“Yes, Mr Bigballs does some seriously good shit,” confirmed ‘de Pfeffel’. “Don’t put that in your article!”
The mere thought had not even begun to consider the possibility of crossing my mind.