The Conservatives confirmed this afternoon that they were organising a straw drawing competition amongst their MPs to see who will have the honour of running stark naked across College Green.
”This is off the record,” an aide to Theresa May told LCD Views, “but it is to stop people talking about Brexit.”
We are unclear why they would be looking to cause a major distraction of this nature, given that even today trading on WTO rules will apparently make the U.K. fabulously wealthy, which is why the rest of the world already does it.
”Or talking about anything we’ve done in office really,” the aide added, “no one. No one at all knew that privatising the probation service would be a disaster. Or privatising the alcohol and drug rehab service. Or privatising Brexit. Or privatising the forensic service. What we failed to do was introduce enough competition into forensics, I think, oh and into shouting at drunks to pull themselves together.”
The straw drawing will take place this evening with crayon and paper supplied to all the MPs.
”Gove is going to draw a single use straw, I can just feel it,” the aide smiled, “Davis will draw a burger, uncooked, to show how clever he is. Nadine Dorries will wait to see what Boris draws and then just do the same but madly exaggerated.”
What do you think the Prime Minister will draw?
”Boos and hisses whenever she shows her face in public, most likely.”
No. For the competition?
”Oh, probably a rainbow. But one that is just a pure white rainbow. That’s how she thinks they all should be.”
And when will the streaking on College Green take place?
”The moment the fuss Boris has caused over the burka fizzles out, of course. We simply can’t let the media focus on what we’re actually doing. It would be a disaster.”
It already is.
”Yes, but so long as no one says it, then we can pretend it isn’t really so until we all tumble screaming into the abyss and a few Tories get a hell of a lot richer.”
What if the streaking doesn’t work?
”Then Boris will stage a book burning.”