New airport security measures concerning families with two names had an unexpected hiccup last night when Jacob Rees-Mogg was taken away for questioning by guards.
The new regulations, intended to reduce people trafficking, require families with two surnames to bring birth certificates or adoption papers to clarify their relationship.
As such, when Mr Rees-Mogg and his family were heading out on holiday yesterday, they found themselves facing a lot of questions from the border guards.
One of the security squad on duty last night, Luke Afterham, explained things thusly:
“This guy comes through with two surnames, so naturally my boys and I stopped him for questioning. He got all snooty, asking, ‘don’t you know who I am?’ – as it happens, we did, but rules is rules, and two names means extra questioning, so we had to haul him away. He protested that rules were only in place for poor people, but we explained that as we were the enforcers and we were poor too, we were just doing our jobs correctly.”
The security guards escorted Mr Rees-Mogg away, much to the excitement of his wife and children. Assistant security chief Ann Sermy picks up the story:
“I asked him all the standard questions about whether he could prove he’s their biological father, and he looked down his nose at me, told me to shut up and get back in the kitchen. For that I put the rubber gloves on straight away. He protested that he was a Conservative MP, so I responded that he must be used to doing this sort of thing for fun then.”
Eventually, they had to release Mr Rees-Mogg, when his children took to passing the time by reciting their Latin verbs, thus proving beyond all doubt he was their biological father.
Still, bravo to the airport staff for doing their job so diligently. That rectal examination must have been unpleasant.
“Well, technically it’s not part of the procedure for people-trafficking,” Miss Sermy admitted, “but we figured a smug bastard like that must have something to hide so we checked him for drugs as well while we had the chance. You know how much cocaine his lot get through.”
Mr Rees-Mogg himself has declined to comment on the incident. He was last seen boarding the plane with a complexion that could be described as resembling Count Dracula, if that esteemed Transylvanian noble will forgive me for such a comparison.