English Premiership champions Manchester City will leave Manchester and move to a new home stadium in Abu Dhabi, if the government fails to agree a trade deal with the European Union, Sheikh Ratlanrol, spokesman for club owners Abu Dhabi United Group announced Thursday.
“A hard Brexit means we will be obliged to sign players from within the European Union on WTA rules,” he said explaining that this would incur import tariffs of 30% on defenders and goalkeepers, 50% on holding midfielders and over 150% on attacking midfielders, left footed wing backs and strikers.
“It’s not that we can’t pay but we’re concerned that if they are held in queues of thirty to forty days at Dover customs they will be severely out of condition by the time they reach us,” he said explaining that as yet the government had failed to address the urgent lack of fitness training facilities, dribbling dummies and moveable goalposts on the section of the M20 designated as the UK’s main customs holding pound.
City officials were quick to talk up the benefits of a move to the oil rich Gulf State.
“The players will love it – sandy beaches and sunshine for most of the year, and the fleshpots of Dubai just a short drive away,” said Sheikh Yerbouti Dontoo Legrand, chairman of club owners, Abu Dhabi United Group, pointing out that for years the club had been forced to overpay frankly mediocre players to persuade them to brave the freezing winters, nine months of pissing rain and Alderley Edge cladge parlours, which are the best that Manchester has to offer.
And he explained, neither the Premier League, the FA nor UEFA will be likely to object given the important role Sitteh, plays in generating income and all expenses paid trips to the gulf for officials of all three.
“After all they allowed Wimbledon to move to Milton Keynes, which barely qualifies as being on the same planet, so the Persian Gulf should be no problem,” he explained.
However he conceded that some fans may be disappointed by the move.
“We realise that there are some people in Manchester who follow the club and enjoy standing in the freezing cold on a Tuesday night watching the highest paid players in the world shooting Grimsby Town in a barrel in the third round of whatever they’re calling the league cup this year – after all we’re “Sitteh”, not a poxy savannah club like United, or those red bin dippers Liverpool with more fans in Norway than in Merseyside,” he explained.
In view of that the owners are planning to fly up to 2,000 “Sitteh” fans to each home game at the new purpose built “Ka’ A Linbel” stadium, in order to fill it up and give it a bit of atmosphere, although opposition fans will have to make their own way there.
“They can shout and chant, and swear a bit and we’ll even allow the odd pointless ruck, and if that doesn’t work we’ve got some great recordings of rutting camels we can play instead – it’s not as if anyone will notice the difference,” he smiled, adding that the sole condition is that fans dress in local costume, to which end they have contracted Umbro to produce a range of dish dash, kefiyeh and chador in sky blue.
However he cautioned that there is still just time for Theresa May to do something to avoid losing the EPL champions to an oil rich former protectorate.
“She’d better hurry though, Article 50 kicks in on March 29th next year and there’ll be no Fergie Time for her to score an equaliser…” he added.