News from the Department of Defence today as small time bully and full time felt made man Gavin Williamson has ordered the RAF to recruit and train a squadron of kamikaze pilots to make a success of Brexit negotiations.
The pilots will have extensive training in going high into the sky before crashing down into the ground, hopefully in Brussels.
”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson repeatedly told us, as he screwed up his mouth and attempted to glue a wing onto a model Spitfire,
“I’m certain the height we’ll reach will contravene numerous busy body nanny state EU regulations. Especially as we’ll be flying in special, modified Euro derivatives without CE labels. It’ll drive Merkel insane.”
The strategy behind the special squadron is an exact mirror of the current U.K. government’s Brexit negotiating strategy.
”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson clarified again, wing now stuck to his fingers and not the fuselage of the model.
It’s felt that once Brussels learns we are prepared to destroy ourselves just to harm them a bit they will back down and give us everything we are demanding.
”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson added, attempting to pull the wing off his fingers with his lips, but only succeeding in gluing his lips to his fingers, which remained glued to the wing.
Brussels will be warned that if they don’t realise we hold all the cards in time to prevent a No Deal Brexit devastating life in the U.K. then they’re for it.
Williamson was unable to add further comment, as he tried to apply solvent to the mess he’d created at his mouth, but accidentally picked up the superglue again and squirted it across the lot, thus succeeding only in rendering himself speechless.
”It’s just as well,” a military observer observed, “it’ll save Brussels the effort of telling him to shut up and go away. And remember as you crash into the ground and burn, the whole country is behind you.”