As the new football season begins, we recognise the familiar signs, especially the public complaining about the inflated salaries the top players get, disproportionate to any actual talent they might have and serving only to bolster their egos.
We all know how it goes, we’ve heard it before. Well, this year, it’s going to be different. According to the latest press releases, the Premier League are taking action to put the top names in their proper place. An announcement was made by the Premiership Pay Inspector (PPI) Hugh Payham-Wright:
“Everybody moans about the massive salaries that these stars get when they do little to earn it. So we’re taking action. As of this season, all players in the Premier League will receive performance-related pay on a weekly basis.”
When asked how that would work, the PPI replied simply:
“If they win their game that week, they get a full week’s pay. If they draw, they get half pay. If they lose, they get nothing. Same as the league points system really. It will cut the wages budget in half overnight.”
So this means we will be able to track how much a team’s players are getting paid by viewing their position on the league table?
“Exactly. It’ll give them an incentive to really do their best every week rather than just jog around a pitch trying to look glamorous for ninety minutes.”
But what about players who don’t play that week?
“Players who aren’t picked to go on the pitch at all that week get a quarter of their full wage. It’s not fair to penalise them if they didn’t get the chance to do anything, but we can’t reward them either. Equally, players on the substitutes bench will get a third for the same reasons.”
The move has proven popular with the public, less so with the players. Striker Ivan Mimunninow told the assembled press:
“It’s not fair. How do they expect footballers to live a life of luxury if they’re going to dock our pay for the slightest little thing? We’re footballers, we deserve our mansions and flashy cars, we shouldn’t have to do anything to earn them. Not even our jobs.”
This from a striker who has yet to score a goal in a premiership game.
Some members of the Combined Roster of Associated Players are taking action by setting up Gofundme pages, asking the public to contribute tens of thousands to fund their lavish lifestyles, while other C.R.A.P. players are talking about instigating legal action against the Premiership Pay Inspector, believing they were mis-sold on his intentions when the PPI took up his position.
We await the results – and indeed the results of the results – with baited breath.