After months of speculation following repeated denials by both parties, His Satanic Majesty, Mephistopheles, Prince of Darkness – better known to all as Satan, has confirmed that self styled “Brexit bad boy”, Arron Banks, IS his son.
“He’s being ridiculed as “the spawn of Satan” anyway, so I decided it was time to come clean. Which is more than I did with his mother,” admitted the Prince of Darkness speaking to reporters outside his west London home.
Admitting that he could remember little of the night in question, Beelzebub explained;
“It was one of those 60s love-ins in Ladbroke grove. Frankly I was off my tits , putting it in anything that moved – and quite a few that were past moving..” he smirked adding that the DNA test was conclusive so there was no point denying paternity.
However he explained that while he may be Banks’ father, that doesn’t mean Arron necessarily takes after him.
“His mother named him Arron, after “Aaron’s rod” – but it’s not just the spelling she got wrong,” explained “The Man with the horn and the tail”, pointing out that in “the old man department”, Aaron’s old man isn’t in the same league as his old man’s..
“It’s not just Trump that has tiny hands . And just look at him. If I had a face like Arron I’d transplant my own soul into a dog and teach it to walk backwards,” grimaced Old Nick.
“And as for that Brexit thing…” he whistled turning his eyes upwards to the to the heavens before realising his mistake and, more red faced than usual, turning them downwards again.
“If I’d wanted to disembowel the UK economy and roast it over the fiery pits of hell, I’d have continued the Blitz in 1940 and sent in the storm-troopers,” explained the evil one, adding that Banks links to Russia are another thing he has troubled getting his horned head around.
Pointing to the continuing revelations that Banks had conspired with Moscow to fiddle the Brexit referendum, Mephistopheles, explained that:
“Who in their right mind would want to cuddle up to that,” he shuddered adding that being the antichrist, the angel of darkness etc, is not as easy as it used to be.
” I mean, Putin – he’s the epitome of pure evil. I know when I’m beat…do you think there’s a market for nine circles of hell …Complete with planning permission, and no heating bills to pay ?” he asked.