Nigel Farage is fantasising about reviving the defunct political entity that is UKIP. However, his party would need a powerful, charismatic and instantly recognisable leader. “If Theresa May cannot deliver the Brexit I want,” he grumbles, “then I will have to return Boris to frontline politics.”
Farage definitely helped to win the now-infamous Referendum. His blokey, beer-and-fags persona appealed to sections of the electorate, and he displayed a gift for crude Nazi appropriation. But ever since, he has been whinging about Brexit. You won, Nigel, get over it.
However, Farage has one major problem. As many-times leader of a fringe party, he is also many-times failure to be elected to Parliament. Hence the need for a leader who has.
“Boris Johnson is the ideal candidate,” waffled Farage. “He embodies all the characteristics of UKIP. He is opportunistic, selfish and talks bollocks.”
Farage emphasised the point by remarking that Boris promises much and delivers little, and that when the going gets tough, Boris quits.
“His experiences as Foreign Secretary will be invaluable,” witters Farage. “I mean, this is a colossus of a man. He is one of the few still willing to call a fuzzy-wuzzy a fuzzy-wuzzy. He has personally ensured that someone who claimed to be British, but had a foreign name, received an increased prison term. He is heroically rude to the Burmese, the Italians and of course the French. Perfect UKIP man!”
UKIP could become a force in British politics with Boris at the helm, Farage states. “’F*ck business’ is a very sensible idea,” he dribbles. “These powerful corporations holding the country to ransom. F*ck ‘em. Proper British summers, bendy bananas and no smelly immigrants disturbing a quiet night down the pub. That’s what the British people voted for!”
The British people collectively rolled their eyes and got on with life.
No definite word has yet come from Boris Johnson. It is believed that he is indeed plotting his return to the big time. Rumour has it that he is setting up his own political party – the Boris Johnson Party.