Jeremy Corbyn resigns as deputy prime minister to fill vacant shoes of Davis heading DExEU

Fantastic news for a worried nation this morning with the announcement that Jeremy Corbyn MP (Avocadoes, Smash and Placards North) has resigned from his cabinet position as deputy prime minister in order to fill the vacant shoes of David Davis as head of DExEU.

”It’s a life line for Britain,” an insider at Downing Street told LCD Views,

“Jeremy tendered his resignation from his voluntary role of propping up May in the middle of the night and demanded control of the department overseeing the UK’s self immolation by extreme ideologies,

”Lots of words and complete inaction are vital to make a success of running DExEU. It’s a long game department. He’s a perfect fit. Best of all, the new responsibilities won’t get in the way of his camping holidays, as he’s already got those booked.”

The sideways shift in the cabinet should calm the fevered brows of hard Brexiters within the government too.

”This will make May’s position more secure, be in no doubt,” senior Brexiter, Bernard Jenkins told us, before returning to his constant past time of burying the dreams of youth, “David Davis was another of those secret remainers that are all through government and making a hash of Brexit. But with a true believer in Brexit in post at DExEU, we are more confident of a complete crash out now.”

Why Davis chose near midnight on a Sunday to depart, along with Steve Baker, is open to speculation, so we will.

”It was the most gutless time to do it,” our political intelligence operative suggests, “wrong foots May. She will have just finished polishing her selection of power neck chains and be asking her husband to count their personal wealth again. She wouldn’t be expecting this. Davis is an SAS legend. You’d expect him to go out in a blaze of glory, at a time when he could face the press and be held to account.”

One thing is certain, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as far away as possible from the mess they spent years creating and absolutely zero time planning.

We would like to wish Mr Corbyn all the success possible in his new role and wonder what other strides he could be making right now if he was actually in opposition.

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