Climate change scientists are STUNNED that the Great British Heatwave has coincided with a shortage of carbon dioxide. This fact goes against the theory that carbon dioxide causes global warming.
“Greenhouse gas? What greenhouse gas?” hisses climate change denier Kula Wether. “Carbon dioxide has been blamed for global warming, but the recent shortage has proved the opposite!”
Wether warmed to his theme, claiming that carbon dioxide was in fact an agent for global cooling.
“You put fires out with carbon dioxide!” he said breezily. “All these blazing flames, one shot of CO2 and it’s out. CO2 is a cooling gas. Why do you think the northern moors are burning? It’s nature trying to cool down the earth by pumping CO2 into the atmosphere. It’s obvious when you think about it.”
Wether brooked no opposition. “If you can’t stand the heat, get off the moors!” he said airily.
LCD Views is a balanced and reasonable publication, so we sought an alternative explanation.
“Mr Wether is mixing up cause and effect, and conflating two unconnected events!” grumbled Prof Chuka Spannerintheworks. “All the evidence points to CO2 trapping heat. His lack of scientific knowledge is at dangerous levels. A bit like the amount of CO2 in the upper atmosphere.”
“Rubbish!” Wether splutters, inflating visibly. “We are getting proper British summers and winters again. What does the Prof know? He’s only an expert, after all, sitting in his ivory tower with the air con turned up to eleven.”
Meanwhile, an intrepid plan has been unveiled. Heroic British engineers are building a pipe up into the troposphere, to tap into the supply of atmospheric CO2. It will then be pumped into fizzy drinks to compensate for the slowdown in production. The process has already been dubbed “Free – Oh – Two”.
To be honest, the arguments are just a lot of hot air.