Environment Secretary and all round figure of fun, Michael “Wood-Burning” Gove, is looking forward to a time where people routinely shiver and put the heating on. This mythical, apocalyptic epoch is commonly known as August.
Wood-Burning Gove realises that a fuel crisis is on the horizon. Post Brexit, Scotland will seize control of North Sea oil and gas. Nimbys will be encouraged to tear down wind turbines, and foreign ships bearing coals will be prohibited from docking at Newcastle.
Instead, he has advised seeking out the heat of another body. “Cuddling is free!” he spluttered at a recent press conference. “So is doing the jiggly-wiggly. Even poor people are able to do it. No more costly heating bills. Doink for Britain!”
Burning wood is another option. “It literally grows on trees!” Gove crackled, like a log blazing away merrily. “One decent sized tree can keep a person warm for up to a week. If, like me, you own a tract of sustainable forest, that’s you sorted.”
Hence his new nickname, bestowed upon him by reliably doolally Boris-wannabe Liz Truss.
The remainder of the population not in possession of acres of managed woodland will have to resort to the arms of our loved ones. This brings further challenges. We have all been royally screwed, so the birthrate is set to rise enormously.
Fortunately, this coincides with a huge increase in demand for child labour. Many vacancies for lovable cockney pickpockets now exist, and demand for chimney sweeps is expected to go through the roof.
Gove, predictably, hailed this as a triumph. “Britain now leads the world in employment opportunities for the under-fives,” he drooled. “Children will get a massive dose of reality. There’s a massive Brexit Dividend for you!”
And off he went, singing:
“Why should we break our backs
Stupidly paying tax?
Better get some untaxed income
Better to pick a pocket or two.
Large amounts don’t grow on trees.
You’ve got to pick a pocket or two!”