Fatberg stocks are surging in early trading this morning on the back of fears of post Brexit cooking fat shortages.
Fortunes are reportedly being made as we go to print as early adopters of a fat first investment strategy cash out leading to fears already that the bull market in fatberg stocks is now a bubble and about to go into bear territory.
”People shouldn’t worry their busy heads over all this loose talk of a fat bubble,” investment guru Jacob Rees-robs told LCD Views financial expert, “with the rationing and cooking supplies shortages in general to follow our successful departure from the overfed European Union, anyone holding onto fat now will be certain to see a considerable return if they sell out March 30th 2019.”
There are even rumours in the market that the current little reported spike in share price for the UK’s leading cosmetic surgery business, Fat, Suck n Bigger Bust, is driven by a suspicion that the tanks in the shed out the back of their Harley Street operation will soon have a price tag on them higher than Fight Club soap.
”Personally I would equip myself with breathing apparatus, a good pair of Wellington boots, a bucket and a shovel and go underneath Downing Street and fill the bucket to the brim,” Rees-robs advised,
“Once the awareness that all the turgid nonsense the serving cabinet spout out daily is flushed down into the ageing sewer network underneath the Cabinet Office and Downing Street, it will be a fat rush. Get to it. It’s also excellent practise for learning to forage. But not on my estate as I am looking forward to shooting poachers next year.”
While emerging market specialist Jacob is clearly blithe, our expert is a little more circumspect.
”Put your money into English champagne,” he says, “oh, and eat as much of anything soaked in lard as you can right now, in the lead up to Brexit. This way you’ll be safer as you’ll be carrying your equity with you wherever you go. You can then suck out your own love handles daily and just like all the bad boys of Brexit, you’ll be able to enjoy the dividend.”