“It would achieve nothing if I resigned over Heathrow expansion plans, except for making masses of people really happy,” Foreign to the Truth Secretary Boris Johnson explained himself this evening, while about as far from the Palace of Westminster as the embodiment of a bull in a china shop could get.
The rapid departure of the foreign secretary, famous for declaring he would lie down in front of bulldozers to stop the expansion of Heathrow, was further explained by some keen observational insight.
”He’s a complete and utter bullshit artist devoid of any integrity whatsoever who will just see spending masses of taxpayers’ money for a trip to Kabul, involving vast spend on security, just so he doesn’t have to keep his word to his constituents, as a jolly good laugh at the expense of the proles,” explained someone so galled and so serious we won’t quote them again.
He does have the backing of the prime minister though, no stranger to dishonesty herself, who said of Boris’ buggering off,
”At least tonight I can sleep without worrying about that blonde machine of disgrace smothering me in my slumber.”
Before adding,
”Boris is the epitome of Global Britain,” or something so similar we almost gave up trying to take the piss out of all of this altogether because where do you go when the PM is so blatantly writing satire as sound bites to attempt to avoid a reckoning with truth? Her daily grind epitomised.
”We trust once the shovels bite the dirt in the ceremony at Heathrow someone of suitable rank and status will be available to do the deed,” the PM further added.
”And if Boris does in the end decide to break the habit of a life time, keep his word, and lie down in front of the bulldozers, we trust it will be tonight and in Kabul.”