LCD Views can report today that the costs of day to day living are expected to mushroom in 2019.
“It’s going to be a boon for dairy farmers,” Michael Gove MP, minister for pretending to care about DEFRA, told us, “and cereal manufacturers. The chaps with the tractors? Amazing business. Just exploding. No end in sight.”
Don’t look directly at the light on the profit and loss account?
“Shades. Dark shades,” Mr Gove nodded, before licking his reptilian lips and attempting whatever the hell it is he calls a smile.
So the growing fear in the population of armageddon is exaggerated?
“Let me be very clear,” Mr Gove replied, “I want to be entirely frank about this.”
He paused for emphasis.
“There maybe bumps in the road as Global Britain strides into the future, hand in hand with Trump’s America, but so long as we align ourselves with the biggest bully on the block, I’m sure myself and my friends will get richer. My advice to you and your readers is to get into companies manufacturing chain link fencing now. Oh, and geiger counters.”
But that won’t be a reassurance to ordinary day to day people, who can’t afford to invest in chain link fencing manufacturers, as they see the value of their home plummet and the cost of bread, milk and other staples explode?
“You’re looking at this the wrong way around,” Mr Gove chided, “right now home ownership is out of reach for many younger people. This is something myself, and my colleagues in government are deeply, deeply concerned about.”
Well that’s a relief.
“It’s more than that. It’s a policy. I am not in the business of uttering meaningless soundbites.”
Is there any detail to the policy?
“Clearly all young people can afford a loaf of bread, or a pint of milk.”
Yes?
“So once the Brexit/Peak Trump 2019 inflation cloud mushrooms to make the cost of a pint of milk the same as your average exploding, depreciating house price, everyone will be a winner.”