Theresa May is said to be intent on torching the shit out of the next field of cannabis discovered in southern England after she finally scored some head, while out on a meet and greet in south London, and then accidentally got off her box.
“No one knew she even smoked,” an aide to the prime minister told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity, “she does spray an awesome amount of air freshener about after she goes to the loo. We always figured it was her IBS, which is a result of spending too much time with IDS. But it seems she was rolling up tobacco. She’s a roll your own type.”
No one is quite sure what motivated the prime minister to mix some of that sticky head into her old shag, but the result is a transformation that the entire country will presumably benefit from.
“She convened a meeting of COBRA,” the aide revealed, “and then immediately sent David Davis out to KFC to get her a bucket of hot wings, claiming she was famished mate. He came back. I think he’d nicked a couple. His lips looked greasy. Then she sent him back for a big tub of gravy. She was giggling like an idiot. He wasn’t very pleased. He said he had a Brexit white paper to roll up and torch.”
Keen observers are hoping the sudden relaxation of one of the most uptight people in the entire country will have positive benefits and lead to her chilling the hell out finally.
“I’m hoping it’s a gateway drug to MDMA,” the aide said, “man, can you imagine it? If she actually took some she might finally discover the door inside her mind that is barricaded and has never been opened, but so badly needs to be.”
What’s behind it?
“Empathy. At least we hope there’s some in there somewhere. In the mean time at least she’s demanding we play music now as she works.”