LCD Views can report a stunning blow against the elites today as Jeremy B.C. (Brexit Corbyn) confirmed he is to table an amendment when the EU Withdrawal Bill returns to the Commons on Wednesday, to abolish Lords.
“This meaningful vote issue Lords keep bowling at the Commons is just not cricket,” he said, looking up from hoeing a patch of weeds out of his allotment, “see these daisies? You’ve got to get them when they’re young. No good cutting through the stem. Got to get under and get them right out of the soil before they grow or they’ll just spread banners contradicting the thoughts of the captain everywhere. I can’t play on a pitch with that sort of variation in its behaviour.”
Details of the bill are still scarce, as Labour hierarchy try and word it so it can be interpreted as aligning with everyone’s beliefs all at once, but in reality it’s just an exercise in wasting time, as the fielders will be in the same position at the end of the exercise.
“The elites are the only people who watch cricket,” B.C. went on, “think of the resources that could be used to better educate our children in the glory of padding up and defending for the whole innings of parliament? Let your opponents run themselves out.
Or better still, every time the bowler is about to release the ball, just abstain from facing it and walk off the pitch. Signal to the dressing room you need a drink or some tape for your middle finger. Whatever. Just run the clock down so every game ends in a draw.”
But sharp eyed critics have been quick to point out B.C. isn’t calling for a total abolition of Lords.
“There’s a clause in the bill, probably Starmer’s suggestion to ingratiate himself with B.C., that allows cricket to continue, but only so far as it pertains to gardening. You know, when the batsman wastes time pretending to tap down uneven patches with his bat, but more often than not it’s just another way of abstaining from facing the ball.”
There is no suggestion of demolishing the bastion of inequity that is Lords cricket ground though.
“Jeremy will have doors and a balcony fitted to the space age media centre,” a Labour insider said, “so at next year’s Jezzfest he can stand on the balcony and wave benevolently to the crowd that will be bused in to celebrate his divinity. Throw out jars of homemade jam. Carrots he grew by hand. That sort of thing. A food first Brexit. Lords is a great venue. When we’re holding our rallies inside it the stands will stop us witnessing the rioting the Tories created outside.”