The office for parliamentary standards is coming under fire today for issuing a special ‘Stop, drop and roll’ guide to MPs who find their consciences burning during this week’s votes on the Lords amendments to the Henry VIII bill.
“It’s just another waste of taxpayer cash,” a campaigner against government waste told LCD Views, “most of the members of parliament are right now infernos in this regard. They don’t care. They’re going to be charred to the core and still not care.”
But others weren’t so dismissive.
“There are those in parliament that are signalling they just need a push to not ruin the United Kingdom. A handy guide for what action to take as they head to the division lobbies today and tomorrow maybe useful.”
The Palace of Westminster said it is prepared for the possibility of MPs rolling on the ground during voting.
“Mostly they roll like sheep down a hill with the whip. But some don’t. Although we had anticipated many rolling around trying to put out massive pants fires following speeches. That is par for course. Burning consciences will be a novelty to handle at least.”
But the critics weren’t to be dissuaded.
“Even if a lot of them read the guide and take the appropriate action it just leaves them free, burning conscience extinguished, to get up, walk on and begin smouldering again.”
Still, the issuers of the guide stand behind it.
“Not always you understand,” the spokesperson said, “we’ve published it on paper normally used as toilet paper, just in case a few hundred Tory MPs, and a good bunch of their colleagues on the Labour front bench, decide to wipe their backsides with it, seeing as they clearly don’t have consciences to burn in the first place.”