Billionaire Brexit backer Arron Banks admitted to reporters Tuesday that his memories of his numerous boozy lunches with Russian embassy officials prior to the Brexit referendum were “a little hazy” but claimed that it was perfectly understandable given the volume of vodka consumed.
“Apparently it’s traditional in Russia to make down-in-one vodka toasts to every person present and at least three generations of their ancestors,” he hiccupped confirming that the toasts were in the form of popular vodka cocktails.
However he declined to confirm whether any of the cocktails he consumed might have been a “LEG SPREADER” (1 part vodka, 1 part tequila, 1 part gin, 1 part rum), a “TIGHT SNATCH” (1 part vodka, 1 part peach schnapps, 1 part orange juice, 1 part cranberry juice), a “GOLDEN SHOWER” (1 part vodka, one part orange juice, half a lemon a splash of triple sec and a ginger ale) or a “BEND OVER SHIRLEY” (raspberry vodka with a dash of grenadines topped up with sprite).
“You’ll need to ask the nice embassy barman, Mr Novichok, exactly what was in them. All I know is they did the absolute business and now we’re exiting the European union, like a brick down a well, or indeed like a vodka cocktail down the throat of a Russian embassy guest” he belched.
Russian embassy barman Colnel Boris Novichok, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Aaron had nothing to worry about as embassy officials had videoed all the lunch dates and would be happy to let him view them at any time he finds convenient.
“Aaron may have overdone it a little with the caviar and vodka cocktails but let me assure him that nothing untoward happened and that neither he nor Shirley needed to worry their tight little snatches over their legs, or indeed videos of them, being spread any further,” he winked, adding that the Embassy would be happy to host Aaron, for another round of Golden Showers, any time he chooses.
“That’s President Trump’s personal favourite, and one we always keep on hand in case he drops by,” he leered, fingering a pager.
“Aaron is a great friend of Russia, and I don’t mean just because he’s one of the few people who has ever lived who can make former soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev look handsome,” he laughed.
Novichok added that if Banks was embarrassed by recent publicity over his embassy lunches or didn’t have time to pop in for another round of cocktails the embassy would be more than happy to arrange a home delivery.
“We have just mixed a special batch of “ADIOS MOTHERFUCKER” ( equal parts vodka, rum, tequila, gin, blue curacao plus some special ingredients) which we’d be more than happy to pop round and smear over his door handle – errr I mean drop off for him to enjoy in his own time,” he cooed, smirking sinisterly.