Great news today for lovers of novelty tourism with the announcement that chumpy chum of the chum chum chumocracy, Boris ‘the chump’ Johnson (we mean it in the slang American sense) is to begin giving guided tours of a burning nuclear reactor.
“I want everyone to be reassured that no matter how badly the tour goes, Mr Dick will be perfectly safe. He is protected from all fallout by virtue of privilege and wealth,” tour booking agent, Lord Michael Howard, told us this morning, “and I am too. It’s sensible, early in life, to be sure you’re in the chumocracy. Birth is the best time to start.”
That’s reassuring to know. We wouldn’t want Mister Boris Cock’s trademark blonde mop to get singed as he shoves blinking peasantry through the nuclear flames.
But what price the tour?
“Millions of jobs,” Mr How-HOW?! replied, “it’s perfectly normal during times of deliberately created economic instability to sacrifice the livelihoods of millions of ordinary working people who were too stupid to choose the right accident of birth. Or who didn’t by hook or by crook manage to rectify that mistake during their formative years.”
When do the tours start?
“Oh, they’ve already begun. They are all day, every day and will continue until such time as a proper British Godzilla is born in the seas currently being polluted by radioactive waters, or the entire economy of the United Kingdom is successfully destroyed in order to make a few offshore tax exiles even wealthier.”
Excellent! What happens next, if the British Godzilla doesn’t arrive?
“Full blown fascism and a few years down the road World War Three, most likely, as the results of the project steamroll out of control and the rise of nationalism in Europe leads to conflict again. A lot of people stand to make an awful lot of money. It’s delightful.”
And what will Theresa May do now? Faced with the announcement of the guided tours?
“What she always does. Stand stock still, too terrified to move.”
And what about alternative tour leader Jeremy ‘the boy’ Corbyn? Some believe he could stand in the way of the tours if he choose?
Mr How-how-HOW? Why are you laughing?
“I wasn’t laughing. I was choking back my laughter. There’s a difference. He’s holding a party in the park while the entire fucking country descends into anarchy. Which is just what we want him to do. It’s funny where you find your allies in times of change.”
The people have the power.
“Excuse me?”
Nevermind. You can piss off back to your insulated privilege and blithely talk about the destruction of millions of people’s livelihoods as a price worth paying for some undefined goal somewhere distant.
“I might just do that. Take the tour and when you do, breathe in deep. The deeper you breathe, the richer we get.”