Job security for beleaguered visionary Chris Grayling MP, Secretary of State for Railroading (fmr) and Idiocy (current), and clarity for an anxious country with finality regarding the proposed third runaway at Heathrow.
“Someone had to sort it out,” Grayling told us, in a field, off the M4, while he attempted to sit on a fence post, “I just took it by the scruff and shook it until all the trains fell out.”
And a good thing too.
LCD Views has occasionally been a little critical of Mr Grayling, but only to keep him on his toes because we know what he’s capable of.
“With this decision the people of Richmond, and Dover, will know that HMG is listening to their concerns. And not only that, it’ll settle those remoaners down.”
That’s a good use of a buzz word. Remoaners.
“John Humphrys taught it to me on a class he gave about understanding parliamentary democracy. It’s actually much simpler than everyone thinks. It’s just ask yourself, what would Paul Dacre do?”
John does with the paper review each day.
“Yes. Proper stooge. He doesn’t even know he is it. Just like me. But it’s perfectly straight forward when you get to it. Boy, what would we do without the insightful journalism of six figure salary John? Anyway, back to my achievements in office. You couldn’t help me stay on this post? It’s hard to balance. The tortoise shell patterned shell on my back is not centred properly. Weighted too heavily to the right. Far too right.”
We suggested perhaps a platform be placed on top of the fence post?
“Oh, I don’t think I’m quite up to managing another infrastructure project. What with finding other people to blame for the trains and the third runway, I’m already doing half a person’s job as it is.”
So the third runway is a go then? In spite of the concerns of Richmond? I have been to Richmond you know. It’s bloody noisy with planes low overhead as it is. Isn’t there another solution?
“Well, my parliamentary colleague that big blonde, buffooning bully who steamrolled a Japanese school kid with a rugger ball as part of diplomatic outreach, he’s threatened to lay down in front of the bulldozers if we start building it at Heathrow. And you know from his time on the big red bus that he means business!”
What have you decided? How have you squared this circle?
“We’re going to build the third runway at Dover and use it as a lorry park when Armagexit happens next March. Perfect.”
Two birds with one stone.
“Precisely. Better a turtle on a fence post than a coherent public policy infrastructure plan when your sole agenda is outflow of tax take to tax havens because you’ve dedicated yourself to a neoliberalised, billionaire tax dodger profit focused, narrow minded, incapable of holistic oversight policy platform I’d say.”
That’s a lot of words for you.
“I don’t understand what half of them mean, I must admit.”
It’s alright. We do.