DEFRA has taken another jolly, green stride forward as the most organised government department ever today with the reveal of contingency plans in place in the event of hard Brexit.
”Social media is full of food,” Mr Jolly Green Gove told LCD Views’ ‘disaster relief’ correspondent, “and machines with fuel in them and international friends can all be found frozen in time online.”
The interview took place over a taxpayer funded champagne breakfast during which we selected which lobster we wanted for lunch from a blackboard with chalk drawings of lobsters.
”All this fearmongering over food supplies in the event of hard Brexit is more remoaner sabotage of the great national project of England, and the other postcodes.”
But how will hungry British people eat the photos they’ve placed on Instagram and other social media platforms if physical shelves in local supermarkets are empty?
”You print them out of course,” the jolly green chancer advised,”depending on how hungry you feel will determine which size of paper you print the treasured memory of food on. Light snack? A5? Need to make a round of sandwiches for the kids so they’ve lunch as you queue to get an EU27 country citizenship at a passport office? A3 of course. It’s so simple.”
There is also rumour that people who’ve taken masses of food pics and uploaded them online will be able to trade surplus for real money?
”Yes. We expect a liberalised market in digitalised food to be a level playing field for all once we have freed ourselves of the Brussels red tape currently preventing social democratic food trading.”
Is this an idea that could work for other government departments struggling to prepare for a post EU future?
”Of course. I’ve sent a team of civil servants over to the Department for International Trade to advise Little Liam Fox to just photograph the trade deals he wants and print them out. Problem solved.”
So any suggestion the Tory government is bluffing in Brexit poker as they don’t even have a pair of two’s, just puffed up delusions of grandeur and power, and will have to fold before long, because they have in reality done no preparation for anything else, is nonsense?
”Print yourself out whatever you want the story to be,” Mr Jolly Grasping Gove said, “then just keep saying it. It’s my entire modus operandi. Remember, if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes true. Now, would you like a cardboard cutout of a supermarket to shop at on April 1st next year?”