UKIP MEP Gerry Mandarin has slammed opponents of Brexit for subverting democracy. Obstructing the path of negotiation and poisoning every debate is, he says, UKIP’s raison d’etre.
“We piss in the water and shit in the bed,” claimed Mandarin, flushing slightly. “It’s what we do. We in UKIP have been trying to debate the real issues for years, but the Germans keep blocking us. What about the EU’s internal problems? Every time UKIP raises the issue, the bloody Krauts change the subject. The EU is undemocratic, inefficient and corrupt. We think it isn’t undemocratic, inefficient and corrupt enough!”
Mandarin paused to mop his brow, his florid face increasingly resembling a juicy gammon steak sizzling on a barbecue.
“I have personally dedicated 23 years of my life to bringing about Brexit,” he bragged. “And it’s all going wrong. Of course we have a plan. It’s to leave, asap. It’s that easy. These lefty types, trying to inject a little reality into the process, have missed the point. They lost, they should shut up and leave the subversion to the experts.”
It was quite easy to imagine a ring of pineapple and a fried egg on Mandarin’s face at this point.
“Of course, Brexit means UKIP has achieved its principal objective,” Mandarin continued. “But we are still unhappy about everything. The party will be renamed the We Are Still Upset Party, or WASUP. Party members will greet one another by saying ‘WASUP?!’ and then complain bitterly about not getting their own way about everything. I promise you that playthings will continue to be ejected from the perambulator for some time to come.”
A pint of best bitter. A dab of English mustard.
“I work very hard at avoiding any real work,” Mandarin concluded. “Coz it’s the EU innit, and we want out. I did do my bit in the referendum though. I volunteered to fill in thousands of proxy votes and stuffed the ballot box. I always do my bit for democracy.”
Only one question remains to be asked: Do you want chips, mash or a jacket potato with that?