A man who must be unaware how much the public despises him has today announced his plot to become prime minister via an article in a tabloid newspaper.
”Experts tell me don’t try it, you’ll finish off the Conservative Party for good if you do,” the man told us during an interview conducted in a sewer pipe, “but who listens to experts? I think people have had quite enough of informed, fact based analysis. None of our policy is based on it and we’ve been getting away with murder for eight years now.”
The man may have a point, given the main policy agendas currently guiding the country and the fact no one is rioting.
”The Tories are dying slowly anyway, which is nothing at all to do with my time in government,” the man added, “even if my own father has described me as a liar.”
As part of the man’s plot he sees himself knifing placeholder prime minister, artificial life form Maybot, in the primary circuit and assuming control just a minute after midnight descends forever on the United Kingdom with Brexit.
”No one will blame me,” the man said, displaying a depth of self delusion only possible if someone lives in a sewer pipe surrounded by their policy ideas, “and I’ll reign as lord of the flies at Rupert’s pleasure until we rebrand ourselves with that cuddly woman from the north. Then I’ll become a Lord. Lord Toad of Toad Hall has a nice ring to it.”
But does the would be Lord Toad see any obstacles in the way of a plan which on the surface is seamless?
”Mass outbreak of sanity?” he replied, “but I’m confident the good people of the United Kingdom have had quite enough of that too.”
Let’s wait and see on that score. Ireland has just shown us all it’s possible to vote overwhelmingly for a progressive agenda, even in a referendum.