Award winning full fat love promoters The Daily Mail have shocked the nation today by uncovering a secret plot by a baby, in a famous and rather old mother’s belly, to be born.
”The baby, although it could be twins, even triplets, so let’s agree sextuplets, has been planning this in secret for months,” famous Mail hack, Ruff Cough, told us in an exclusive for us where we get the scoop on their exclusive scoop.
But what are the babies’ intentions? Surely there’s no immediate cause for concern? Babies are born all the time.
”Foreign babies who want to steal our horses are,” Cough said, “proper British babies aren’t hardly never born anymore. It’s endangering English civilisation.”
Let’s stick to the secret baby and keep away from your appalling pet topic. How long till it pulls off its treacherous plan and where is the birth to take place?
”From what we’ve uncovered the baby is to be born at the Palace of Westminster sometime in June surrounded by over six hundred grown ups, hundreds of who maybe traitors and intend to act as midwives to the babies, the saboteurs!”
The babies or the anticipated midwives?
”Oh, they are traitors to democracy!”
Which ones?
”Stop trying to trick me. We’ve uncovered the plot and the nation has been warned to defend autocracy!”
It’s not really a scoop though, or a secret gestation?
The ultrasounds have all been made public, millions of people are ready to get behind the baby and push and it has a massive presence already on social media. Not to mention the mother looks like she’ll drop any day now.
We got just an angry glare for that.
”Why are you still asking me questions? Won’t your readers have lost interest by now due to very short attention spans? Remember ours used to salivate over anti-vax stories until the pandemic in Wales and then we dropped it like we’d never touched it and no one noticed.”
Who’s the father of the baby of babies?
”Oh, no one knows who that is, just that the mother is the mother of all parliaments and any day she’s going to go into labour.”
I doubt that, Labour is unlike to form a government given it’s almost indistinguishable from the government on the issue that will be a right Victorian dad to everyone.
”Not that Labour. Labour.”
You capitalised both. Which is which?
”Piss off and go break a caps lock.”
We’ll stay right here, waiting for the baby you fear to be born. And we’re naming it government defeat in the commons.