LCD Views can enthusiastically report on huge savings to the public purse will be found by powering the special Brexit hot air ship just by Boris Johnson talking.
“He’s always ready to put words together and whenever he does there’s a lot of heat generated,” Brexit blimp project manager, Mr Esra told LCD Views, “the design we are building has Mr Johnson standing inside the inflatable section and talking on any subject he cares to pick, but preferably about post Brexit trade arrangements and British influence in a dynamic and changing globalised landscape.”
So just talking complete, fabricated on the spot bollocks then?
“Yes. Business as usual. It’s believed the blimp will inflate within seconds and lift off moments later. We will have to be fast to cut loose the ropes. I anticipate no more than half a minute before Boris has filled the ship with hot air and it’s rising.”
But how will he navigate the Brexit blimp if he is standing in the centre of the balloon section?
“How does he navigate now?” Mr Esra asked, “he just chooses locations at random and goes to them. So we hardly see any point in putting in advanced navigational equipment which he will just ignore.”
So more of a drive by feel approach?
“Exactly. It works for him as an MP. If he bumps into something, say a passenger aircraft, he can just bounce off and go in another direction and leave the wreckage behind him.
The main purpose of Boris is Boris, the destination changes every day. Yesterday he wanted to be prime minister by the weekend again, but today he wants May to stay in post and carry the can for Brexit. Steering isn’t important. Boris is important.”
Will he be able to carry passengers?
“Don’t be stupid! Ha! Boris only needs the spectators to pay for his follies, he doesn’t need them coming along for the ride. But he’ll take anyone for a ride of course.”
So how soon will the air ship be built?
“Just as soon as we can jam Boris inside the balloon you see over there and tie a knot in the end of it.”
Up, up and away?
“And right back down again. Everyone is invited on that trip. The whole country. Just ask Michael Gove. He’s standing next to Boris with a giant pin just ready to prick the Boris blimp again.”