LCD Views can happily report today that there is finally reason for that most stubborn group of British voters, the remainers, to rejoice.
“It’s not the sacking of John Humphrys, yet,” our political tides ‘r turning correspondent informs, “it’s the discovery of a fundamental and attractive difference between the two brexshits on offer from the Labour and Tory parties.”
But that’s impossible! Except for “a” fudge on the customs union, there is no difference? And the “a” CU fudge is cake anyway.
“That’s where you are wrong,” our correspondent smiles, “Labour have finally revealed a key detail of how they see life in post Brexit Britain under their governance.”
You mean post Brexit England? It’s pretty much a given now that Brexit is the end of the United Kingdom as a union.
“Well, if you want to be picky, okay. Post brexit England.”
Go on then, what’s the difference?
“Okay. Under Labour’s plan the NHS will still exist after Brexit.”
That’s very reassuring. What’s the detail of how they’ll manage it?
“By collectivising the farms.”
I don’t see the connection?
“It’s obvious. Under Labour’s Brexit plan you’ll simply need to ask the committee selected by central government to run your farm to vote on whether or not they will allow you to walk the forty miles to the nearest state run health centre. So it will still be possible to access the national health service, although some surgeries will probably be run by either the Red Cross or Medecins Sans Frontieres.”
And what’s the Tory plan?
“Oh, the farms will still be collectivised because it will be necessary to force people to till the fields to eat, but the NHS will change as dramatically as expected.”
How so?
“It’ll just be Jacob Rees-mogg sitting on horseback watching you die in a field. Oh, and a vampire drinking your blood to ensure you are always too weak to resist.”
That’s an attractive difference. I know which one I’ll choose.