LCD VIews can report today on the amazing scientific discoveries of Michael Gove, MP for somewhere in Surrey that needs its water tested, who has discovered that the Titanic was strengthened by contact with the iceberg.
”It’s because ice is very, very hard, especially a mountain of it with reality ridges,” Michael told a roomful of people who would otherwise have spent their time wondering when he would f*ck off.
”And I challenge anyone to disprove there is a location more strong and stable than the place the Titanic settled after contact with the iceberg all those years ago.”
Mr Gove, long recognised as the herpes raging in the fluids of the UK’s democracy, is apparently determined to multiply himself even faster by venturing into topics normally reserved for other experts.
”You can’t cure me,” he winked, “you just hope for those quiet spells inbetween my flare ups.”
Quite why Mr Gove has decided to talk with such self confidence on the matter of massive unsinkable ships that sunk is open to speculation.
”It’s because he’s aware you need to keep saying words at people so they believe them,” our bullshit artist specialist opined, “clearly the Titanic had a great big hole ripped in the side of it, sunk and masses of people died. But Mr Gove believes too little focus is given to the positive influence on British culture by the calamity. Such as the film named after the ship.”
I wouldn’t say that was a positive? The only thing accurate about that movie was that a big ship sunk.
”Yes, but, if you made it onto a life boat you survived. Like now, if you have invested your money sensible in tax havens.”
What about all the people who didn’t find a life boat, due in large part to the failure of the designers to make preparations for the obvious potential of disaster?
”You mean because the designers of the ship were too convinced of their own genius?”
A bit like Brexit.
”Well, I wouldn’t go comparing the two. Brexit has clearly strengthened the United Kingdom and made us a more welcoming place to foreigners.”
You’ve been spending too much time with Michael Gove.
”Hasn’t everybody?”