INT VOTE LEAVE HQ NIGHT
“The middle of the night 24/06/16”
A big blonde man in a dishevelled suit coat relaxes on a leather sofa. Tie askew. He has riding lycra on his lower half. His hair looks like bed hair.
He’s holding a magazine, “Posh Reader’s Wives : On the buses edition”.
The cover is a woman in knee high riding boots. She holds a riding crop and snarls raunchingly over her shoulder. She is on top of a big red bus in the grounds of a stately home.
Big Blonde Man
”Wha ho!”
He flicks the page quickly.
Big Blonde Man
”Hey! Hey!”
Another man comes into view. Smaller. Shifty looking. He paces. This is Small Man.
Big Blonde Man
”Get a look at this damsel in distress! Tied to a ship’s mast. Let’s beat off the pirates Mickey! Huzzah!”
Small Man ignores him. He crosses to a mirror and practises smiling. It’s a grimace. He has something stuck to his teeth. He picks at it. It’s on his finger nail. He examines it.
CLOSE ON
See what was on his tooth. Go in close. It’s a photo of Rupert Murdoch. When we pull back it’ll be A4 size.
Small Man folds the photo and tucks it away in his pocket.
Big Blonde Man
”By golly! I know this one. This is old…what’s her name? I bedded her at Oxford and her sister and her cousins and her aunt and her mother, I think? Or was it her twin and her great aunt and her former nanny’s ex-riding instructor?”
Small Man
”This isn’t the time!”
Big Blonde Man
”Virgin.”
Big Blonde Man turns the magazine around to show a woman dressed as Elizabeth Ist holding a model Elizabethan ship.
Big Blonde Man
“Don’t worry Mickey. A narrow win for Remain by the morning and the bus tour goes on and on!”
Small Man
”We’re going to win the EU referendum you high wire idiot. While you’ve been looking up old conquests I’ve been studying the numbers..”
Big Blonde Man
”Sailing close to the breeze! That’s all! But we’ll come through!”
Small Man
”You big, bouncing blonde pillock. Do you want to be prime minister or not? If we win we’re screwed. Holes below the waterline. The ship of state run aground. I told you to throw the last TV debate, but you couldn’t help yourself.”
Big Blonde Man slowly and carefully rolls the magazine into a cylinder.
Big Blonde Man
”It’s your fault if we do. The people have had enough of experts? What in God’s testicles was that?”
Small Man retreats as Big Blonde Man rises from the sofa holding the rolled magazine like a club.
They lock eyes as Small Man moves to put a chair between them.
Big Blonde Man lunges swinging. They scuffle. Play “Benny Hill Show” theme music.
The door opens a fraction and a trembling hand extends a piece of paper into the room. The scuffle halts. It wasn’t going well for Small Man.
“52/48 – Leave win!” is written large upon the paper.
Small Man (from underneath Big Blonde Man’s bum)
”It’s okay. No one will take a margin of victory that slight to mean anything but Leave demanding the result is implemented and the prime minister saying he’ll explore the advice. Long grass. We can still grow the long grass and shove Brexit into it. David will know what to do.”
Big Blonde Man
“I’m going to use this narrow victory to batter his blue balls black. I’ll be prime minister in a month. You wait until old Rees-mogg and the other ERG sociopaths start firing off letters to the 1922 committee demanding a leadership contest because Dave won’t trigger Article 50.”
Small Man
“We’ll drag him from Downing Street kicking and screaming. I’ll be chancellor by the end of the month.”
Big Blonde Man
“I thought you wanted to be secretary of state for the environment?”
Small Man
“Don’t joke. Now is not the time.”
A second piece of paper is extended into the room.
“David Cameron has quit!”
Big Blonde Man chases Small Man around the room. Play that Benny Hill music.
A Big Breasted Blonde in a red bus costume enters the room and Big Blonde Man chases her. She gets mixed up with them.
A Policeman with his whistle. Get him in there.
Vladimir Putin lookalike. Throw him in.
Nigel Farage in a Hitler costume. Him too.
Donald Trump in a baby’s nappy. He’s got a rattle. Let’s have him.
Queen Elizabeth II looks into the room. She’s wearing that EU flag hat. She shakes her head and turns around.
FADE TO
Press conference. Michael Gove and Boris Johnson on the morning of Leave’s victory. You’ve never seen two men more disappointed to win.
Michael Gove (whisper to Boris Johnson)
“We’re so screwed.”
Boris Johnson
“Take back control Mickey. We’ve got to take back control.”