Progress on post Brexit customs arrangements with the European Union finally with the news that May’s government is to settle on a viable proposal to put to the EU shortly, before their summit in June.
“The chaps over at DExEU have been working hand in hand with the cabinet to finally crack the nut,” Downing Street insider, A Potplant told us today, “and I tell you, it’s been like two Edward Scissorhands holding hands and choosing a kitten. Which was is fluffiest? Shall I pick it up or you? Really great team work and no harm done to pre-existing or future prosperity.”
Responding to the reassuring collection of words put together and released in sentences we asked what exactly was meant though, by crack the nut?
”What? It was just a figure of speech. That’s how we communicate with May up top. It’s not supposed to convey actual meaning when we use it, it’s just there to dazzle. Like her first one, Brexit means Brexit. Still golden.”
Okay. Understood. Nothing that comes out of the terrified chamber of delirium and mirrors that is May’s government is to be believed.
”Don’t you want to hear about our latest offer on customs?”
I can’t wait. Let’s have it. But please tell me it hasn’t already been rejected by the EU twice like the two you’ve spent the last few weeks arguing over?
”It’s all new and it will mean free and frictionless trade continuing cross borders once we crash out.”
This is good news. What’s it look like?
”Flying pigs.”
Excuse me? Another figure of speech which means nothing coming from your shower of an executive?
”No. Literally, actual flying pigs. It was Davis’ idea. He got it as he ate the worm from a bottle of Mescal in the subsidised commons bar. Bloody genius. And best of all the EU hasn’t rejected it yet.”
How is it going to work?
”We’re going to genetically modify pigs to grow wings. Train them to carry cargo and Bob’s your uncle! They’ll fly right over the channel if they know there’s a treat on the other side. Traffic can continue below unimpeded.”
So you’re saying after all the dead unicorns, after all the missing cake, Global Britain’s future is winged pigs?
”Yes. The best sort. As they can fly.”