Lovers of democracy were dancing around the unmoved statue of Oliver Cromwell on Westminster Green today with the announcement from government that the United Kingdom is to be renamed ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ after Brexit.
“You think the Irish Border is a pickle,” senior cabinet minister, Mr Bumble Fumble, MP for Fumbling-on-Hye, told us, “wait until we have to work out where to put the border between ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ and the Cornish Free Fishing State. My personal preference is across Bodmin Moor with a customs checkpoint on the A30, where it goes under that overpass and everyone despairs about traffic jams.”
But dispute has reportedly apparently broken out in cabinet over why the government has chosen “the” and not “a” for the start of the name.
“Well, there are many democratic people’s republics on the map, but there will only be one with England in the name. So the definite article is best. We know old Corbs is suggesting the indefinite, but that’s a fudge. We need a strong and stable name for the post union United Kingdom.”
Other issues, relating to the Welsh and Scottish borders are yet to be resolved, with the cabinet being unwilling to allow Scotland in particular to break away from the union.
“We need their resources,” Mr Bumble told us, “have you seen the absolutely mad way they’re going after building renewable energy supplies while May has us trying to frack the crap out of people’s back yards south of the wall? Very short sighted of the Scots. We’ll be having those windmills and Archimedes screws and what not and laughing as their lights go out.”
A new flag is also on the way with the designers believed to be settling on a picture of a piece of gammon being bashed by a heavy set, thick, white English man’s forehead.
“I’m against the flag. It’s a travesty,” Mr Bumble adds, “it doesn’t feature any images of island paradise tax havens. Given that war with Scotland, building a wall with Scotland, and allowing easy legitimisation of kleptocratic wealth via our overseas territories channeled with shell companies into the London property market is the only economic plan, it’s a bit bloody rich not to stick a desert island with a palm tree on the flag.”
More details of how the new post Brexit country will be organised will be revealed as cabinet settles on the details.
“I can tell you that rabble rousers like your little rag will be closed down,” Mr Bumble smiles, “but the BBC is staying put. It’ll just be moved into the oversight of the Ministry of Propaganda to help make a success of The Democratic People’s Republic of England.”
We asked Jeremy Corbyn for comment but he abstained, which shows he knows exactly how the official opposition will continue to operate in the DPRE, whoever is pretending to be in charge.