The BBC is arguing for an emergency increase in the license fee today to cover additional costs related to avoiding reporting bad news about Brexit.
“We’ve broken our panic button. It’s a bloody travesty,” John Humphrys, veteran newsreader and tenant farmer on Rees-mogg’s estate told us, “if I can’t hit this big red button to summon an emergency copy of the Daily Mail or bring up Breitbart I’m going to be bloody stuffed. No one wants to hear me making tumbleweed sounds but I’m going to have to do it.
Those Lords have been leaping all over Brexit lately. We’re not allowed to report it. We don’t want to report it. We’re not going to report it. It contradicts the will of the people. Which is why we had to ignore the swing to yellow and green in the locals.”
Quite how the button was unable to stand the panicked smashing from BBC newsreaders is a bit of a mystery.
”We spent half this year’s budget on commissioning the friggin’ useless bit of plastic,” Today programme editor Sarah ‘dines with Murdoch’ Sands revealed,
“It’s spring is composed of the same material that serves in place of MIchael Gove’s conscience.
The other half of the budget went on Humphrys and Robsinson’s personal therapist to ensure they are able to keep blathering the people had a vote no matter how much prestige, jobs and money is lost, even before we Brexit.”
It seems likely that the government will grant the increase in funding in the form of an emergency top up payment payable by direct debit by listeners every time they turn on a BBC service.
”£200M a week ought to cover it,” Humphrys said, “half of that will go to cover the bunting we roll out wherever IDS or Redwood visit. But they’re worth it. They know how to build a straw man and we need it.”
Novelty BBC panic buttons will also be sold through off licenses with packs of super strong cider so listeners can reassure themselves there’s a plan for Brexit.
“It’s made with materials developed for the space age,” Humphrys adds, “whenever the hell that was.”