LCD Views’ navigation correspondent reports this morning that the biggest spoon in the Tory cabinet has announced that the UK is to spend three billion pounds developing its own GPS satellite in a fit of pique.
“This is outrageous,” the shiny piece of cutlery told us, “I’m not the biggest spoon in the cabinet draw. Boris is. Or maybe Davis. Or maybe the prime minister. Or even the new kid Sajid, give him time. Me? You’ve seen how I took on Putin with playground chat. I’m a man. I own a spider.”
But regardless of who is the biggest spoon in a jammed drawer which features no knives or forks, UK Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson is still intent on spending three billion pounds on a satellite system that will takes years to build and be done without the cooperation of the countries we’ve just spent more than fifteen years developing the EU’s system, Galileo, with.
“I admit I stack up like a good spoon with the rest of them,” Mr Williamson mused, “you should see us playing sardines in the cupboard at Chequers. Shape is very important if you want to jam spoons into a tight space.”
He went on like this for some time.
We interrupted to ask if there were any other ways we could spend three billions pounds, perhaps by not blowing decades of international cooperation out of the water and spend the money on strained public services at home?
“And you think I shouldn’t be trusted with a knife and fork!” he hit back, “if we don’t waste money as fast as possible while delivering the best Brexit possible, then it’ll be harder to justify privatising whatever is left when we have made a success of Brexit.
What will the offshore interests funding this neocon coup say then? Seriously, just go away and shut up or I’ll insult you again.”
Mr Williamson called us up later to add,
“I”m very shiny. You should see me when I’m polished.”