LCD Views has learned that the captain of the Titanic, Theresa May, was disturbed late last night by frantic calls from the deck after a deck chair threw itself off the deck and into the turbulent seas.
“Amber Rudd,” the captain told LCD Views, “I name all my deck chairs. That was the one that threw itself off. It’s just as well. It was really squeaky now in the hinges. Both crew and the unwilling passengers were starting to complain. But I found it quite useful to hide behind when passengers wanted to complain about the industrial scale gastro afflicting the voyage.”
Why didn’t you just apologise and take responsibility for the gastro and then get rid of the deck chair yourself?
“Oh, I’m a complete environmentalist. I can’t throw anything away. I prefer to make do and mend. The only problem being whenever I try to mend something I usually just break it more. All thumbs me.”
The deck chair in question is not the only one to have thrown itself overboard. Other chairs have too. Justine Greening being a noteworthy one.
“She’s not overboard though. She’s down below decks. I suspect she’s waiting for us to hit the iceberg I’m steering the ship into. She’ll jump into a life boat or bop back up to the surface of the churning water and float along just fine. Just like some of the other chairs.”
But you must have a full deck of deck chairs or people will think you aren’t in control of the vessel. It’s bad enough you’re full speed ahead towards an iceberg!
“I know. I’m going to shuffle the chairs on the deck about and replace the ruddy deck chair with the Javid one. It’s great at housing. The Javid one I’ll replace with the Brokenshire one, as he’s finished breaking shires in Northern Ireland.”
So deck chair replaces deck chair in a Titanic shuffle?
“It’s not a Titanic shuffle. More a terrified split of the pack and jam it back together and hope nothing falls out in the process before we hit the iceberg and sink.”