Britain’s most principled politician, Saint Jeremy of Islington North, is to promise to make Brexit Day a national holiday, so he can finally get a poll lead on the worst prime minister anyone can remember.
“It’s a puzzle it is,” an aide to Saint Jeremy said to LCD Views, before rushing off to report this page to Facebook for undermining the leader, “we have the worst government anyone can remember for a long time.
It’s demonstrably cruel, it’s institutionally racist, it’s dedicated itself to economic calamity to further enrich a tiny minority of the people, i.e. Brexit, which equals Nigel Farage and his values, in case your global readership has forgotten, and Theresa May is polling better than Saint Jeremy?”
It’s a bit of a puzzle, we agree. I would have thought the centre, the left and right of it, the swing vote would have swung tectonically to Labour by now, just for sanity, just for hope? I suspect you guys would just crush the Tories if you stood against the Brexit lies rather than trying to fudge it and appeal to all sides. There is a mountain of votes up for grabs.
The polling for the smaller parties not changing much isn’t an indication that fighting Brexit won’t gain you mass support, it’s because Brexit is so huge an issue that voters are looking to one of the major parties to deal with it. The ones with the power to make an immediate difference.
“You’ve just bored me with all those words. Can I continue where I was?”
Please do.
“We potentially have the worst prime minister ever and we can’t get a poll lead on the government?
I mean, what the, there should really be a public inquiry, because we just can’t puzzle it out.
Well, we can blame the public of course. That’s one of our key psychological survival tools. Denigrate and blame anyone who dares to question any of Saint Jeremy’s policies. I learnt that from arguing with kippers online. It’s why I’m supporting Jeremy’s support of Brexit, which is UKIP.
Most of my day is spent sending messages to anyone who raises a query about Saint Jeremy by calling them a ‘centrist, yellow tory, blairite who is propping up this cruel government and you are directly responsible for what the tories do because you undermine the leader by not supporting his job’s first Brexit’.
Well, less polite than that.
I have to make it quick because I need to get my comrades to send the same message and retweet ‘blairite scum’ at them for day after day, until they’re all finally muted.
Even though that class traitor probably didn’t vote for Blair. Facts don’t matter. We’re doing populism now too. Populism and insults. It worked a treat for UKIP. It’ll get those class traitors sufficiently shamed to vote for us.”
So it’s thought that by pandering to Leave voters more and promoting a policy certain to be popular with them will help Labour finally crack. We mean, finally crack the riddle of the polls?
“It’s a no fail strategy. If we promise to make Brexit Day, the 29th of March, a public holiday, who won’t vote for us? I mean, who doesn’t want a day off?”
Jobs first Brexit policy is certainly going to enable the Tories to give potentially hundreds of thousands many days off.
“Why’s that?”
Because they’ll be searching for a job to replace the job that went first with a jobs first Brexit policy.
“Are you undermining the leader?”
NO. I’m calling for him to act like a friggin’ opposition leader and resist the racism fuelled, rights stripping neoliberal economic, asset stripping shitshow that is Brexit.
“Yellow Tory Blairite Class Traitor.”
Explain to me how Brexit is going to enable Labour to enact all those much needed policies to address social inequality and protect and regenerate all those areas of the country that are suffering and then insult me again.
“You just have to have to faith in Saint Jeremy.”
That’s not an answer.
“It’s not our fault or Saint Jeremy’s if you don’t vote for us. It’s because you don’t care about people.”
Thank you for coming. Good luck solving the riddle of the polls. I’ll give you a hint. It’s because Saint Jeremy is a Brexiter and that’s no choice because Brexit will govern all.
“Yellow tory. Getting ready for your re-tweets. You’re enabling the Tory Brexit.”
There is only Brexit. Anyone that tells you otherwise is being economical with the truth.
“See, we won’t overspend in that area!”
Or any other, if you continue to support Brexit and don’t fight for the good of everyone against the proven lies of the Brexiters.
“Immigrants are undermining the workers.”
I’m going now. Thank you for coming. Enjoy your attempt at populism.