The people of Earth have voted to leave the solar system. Triumphant Leavers have declared that the Earth, finally, will be free to decide its own destiny.
“This decision is out of this world!” gushed campaigner Newton Fouledupp. “Never again will the Earth be subject to the so-called laws of gravity imposed upon the planet by the undemocratic Sun.”
According to Fouledupp, the Earth will be free to make a deal with any Star it chooses. “Much better than our current, restricted position,” he said. “We have literally been going round in circles for years.”
“In fact, we believe that gravity is just a ruse to keep us in our place,” he continued. “We got are plannit back!”
Opposition to the vote has been raised. “The Leavers told us lies,” claimed pro-orbital spokesman Ellie Psis. “Half the world’s population has been kept in the dark.”
Miss Psis raised the issue of the Moon. “As an exo-planet, it was not eligible to vote,” she claimed. “No provision has been made for the moon at all. It’s lunacy!”
The Loonies are believed to be in secret negotiations with the solar system for satellite rights. “We are after dwarf planet status, like Pluto,” said a spokesClanger. “We want to protect our trade in space junk and blue string soup.”
Meanwhile, Fouledupp declared that there was a bad atmosphere in the solar system. “No atmosphere is better than a bad atmosphere,” he claimed. Unsurprising given that most planetary atmospheres comprise hydrogen, methane and sulphur.
“They need us more than we need them,” he continued. “Without the Earth, Jupiter, Saturn and the rest will simply fall from the sky and the Sun will be revealed for what it is: just a lot of hot air.”
Many problems remain. No satisfactory alternative to the Sun has been proposed, nor has any workable solution to the Lunar Border issue been forthcoming. No matter. All that matters is that we are Leaving.