Archaeologists from the Museum of South London are to hold a press conference later this afternoon to detail the fascinating finds uncovered during digs ahead of the planned construction of the controversial Croydon bypass.
Initial reports from the site state that the team from the museum conducting the dig have found a two thousand year old celtic stone plinth containing a Brexit prophecy.
LCD Views are known for our special features on archaeological politics and we were invited to a sneak preview of the plinth, before it goes on display in an open air exhibition on Figges March later this evening.
“Thank you for coming,” dig leader Professor D Igg said.
Our pleasure. You got lucky with the weather.
“We certainly did,” the professor replied, “would you like a Pimms? Or are you more of a real ale type?”
I’ll have what you’re having.
“I’m having shots of tequila,” the professor poured out some shots, “would you mind cutting up the lemon and finding the salt? It’s in that cooler I think, next to my trowel.”
My pleasure. So tell me about this prophecy?
“We’ve been working on the site of the Croydon bypass for three years. We actually found the plinth on the 23rd of June 2016. That in itself seemed portentous.”
And what does it say?
“Curiously it’s written in latin. Although as the ancient celtic tribes of pre-Roman England didn’t have a written language, more a language of symbols and some really wacky abstraction, it is not surprising to see them adopt a continental language when prophesying the future.”
But what does it say?
“Can you cut the lemon into quarters? We’re not going to get far with halves.”
Sorry.
“The language is surprisingly straight forward. What was surprising is the reference to contemporary people on a two thousand year old slab of granite.”
But what does it say?
“Remember it’s lick, sip, suck!”
The plinth tells you how to do tequila like it’s 1999?
“Now you’re just being silly,” the professor tutted, “no, it refers to John Humphrys and Michael Gove.”
And…
“Shots before or after I tell you what it says?”
I think after and then we can have another shot?
“Let’s do it.”
Aahhhhh. Wow. I haven’t had one of those in a while.
“Quite the pick me up.”
But what does it say about Humphrys and Gove?
“It’s very concise. It says when the statue of Michael Gove in John Humphrys’ garden falls then Brexit will end. Only it calls it Brexitus, but that’s just the latin word for Brexit.”
Wow. Is there a statue of Michael Gove in John Humphrys’ garden?
“That’s what we hope to find out. There’s certainly an altar for worshipping Brexiters in the radio 4 Today programme studio, so I suspect there is a statue of Gove in the old warhorse’s back yard.”
He’s probably burying it right now to hide the evidence of bias.
“Don’t worry. We’ll dig it up. Another shot?”
Yes please. Make it a double.