BREAKING NEWS from central London this morning after an underground carriage was declared a hostile environment after the gatekeeper and key master met.
Commuters are being warned to keep well back until a team of specialist ‘idiot separaters’ can track down the travelling encounter and put a stop to it.
”The encounter is deeply worrying,” said everyone watching, nearby, living in the country the union is occurring in, or watching from abroad, except collectors of certain WW2 memorabilia,
“when you think of the innate dislike for ‘others’ in the marrow of both supernaturally charged idiots, the result of a union between them is anyone’s guess.
Throw in the almost magical power of imperial nostalgia they’ve been cursed with. It’s as nauseating as it is scary. It’s likely they’ll release malignant forces that most thought under control.”
It’s thought the duo, who together compromise the force of ageing and blinkered little englanders on one side and actual government on the other, are hoping to cast the country under a rule of darkness.
Fears mostly centre on what might happen to public policy.
”It will be very bad to anyone who is incapable of remembering that the empire was a thing people tried to free themselves from and eventually did,” said anyone who paid the slightest attention,
“Then it will be bad for everyone else, as they’ll seek to reduce the status of one group after another.”
Vans are expected to begin appearing on the streets, driven by servants of darkness, to signal what is expected of people.
”Mostly that anyone not born in the gatekeeper’s village F off back to where they came from.
The churning hatred inside the pair will make that easier by burning important records giving them legitimacy on immigration rules. Then they’ll change the rules and demand those bits of paper or tell people to live in fear and uncertainty interminably.”
Devious. Like a cruel spell.
”It’s going to be a bit of a ride. When nasty, blinkered people get great power, it tends to turn everything to shit.
And when you think the ultimate master of the gatekeeper and the key master is tax havens and asset burning hard right ideologies. It’s a scary vision of the future.”
So are they planning a ceremony?
”Oh, the portal to enteral darkness is already open, we’re only now really seeing what’s coming out of it. It’s not nice. And given how fanatically evil it is, it’s also curiously incompetent.”
While the situation unfolds people are encouraged to avoid the vicinity of the two, just until we can work out what the hell is going on.
”Whatever you do don’t open your fridge door on your own until the power of nasty, inward focused sentimentality and government can be separated and consigned to the history bin like a too long ignored pre-bagged salad.”