Amber Ruddy Rudd MP has moved today among the subject citizens of the U.K. to bring reassurance and certainty to the growing number of people concerned they’ll be arbitrarily kicked out of Brexit Britain due to the executive now being clogged with xenophobic little Englanders.
Our home affairs reporter was on the campaign trail with the Home Secretary to see how things went down.
“I don’t know why you’d want to stay anyway?” Ms Rudd told two people in the queue with her at Greggs, “these sausage rolls are one of my guilty pleasures. I’m going to Waitrose after this to talk to people in the wine section there. Then I will have reassured all Conservative voters.”
When one of the people in the queue said that’s not very reassuring, Amber’s eyes glinted and she laid down the love bomb.
“My department, the homey Home Office, is happy to advise you, good person, that anyone who can trace their wealth to 1066 won’t be asked to leave either the United Kingdom, or whatever this place is post late March 2019.”
From the puzzled looks of the other people in the queue it seemed there was more for Amber to do.
“But what about the Windrush children?” One of them asked.
“Arrest this individual!” Amber shouted, “immediate deportation. Clearly an undesirable! Grounds, questioning government policy!”
Immediately a couple of burly G4S men stormed the shop and rugby tackled the dissenter to the floor, spilling a selection of princess themed cupcakes in the process.
“The price of those ruined cakes is going on your legal bill,” Amber hissed, “honest, hardworking British taxpayers money needs to be spent on bombs and letters to frighten people, not your vandalism.”
The man pinned to the floor muttered something about the “democratic vandalism currently being wrought upon the country by” but he was dragged out of the store before he could finish.
“Any questions?” Ms Rudd asked our reporter.
“Yes. Why stop at 1066, why not go back further?”
“You’re not very smart, are you,” Ms Rudd replied, “all the best people can trace their wealth back to 1066. And if we’re successful in getting Henry VIII executive powers, you’ll feel our executive power goes back quite a long way too. Positively archaeological. Which is one of our visions for Britain.”