The Conservative Party has hit back against ridicule over its decling membership by saying it intends to extend voting rights to boiled hams and gammon before next general election.
”This is to compensate for the anticipated loss of traditional voters that could have been expected to swing back to the Conservatives as a result of Brexit if it wasn’t for Jeremy “the principle” Corbyn saying some rather fruity things about migrants and wages,” Michael Gove told LCD Views, “and not firing frontbenchers unless they’re anti-Brexit. My wasn’t Barry “the bollocks” Gardiner lucky.”
It is certainly a bold electoral strategy and presumably designed to attract less criticism than the attempted gerrymandering of constituencies.
”It can be said to be a fair winner takes all change,” Mr Gove said, “as every party can appeal to the boiled and the tinned meat demographic with as much salt in their campaigning as they can get away with. And I’m quietly confident my party can out bigot the others.”
Asked for comment on the change, tin of ham, Mr B Iffer was pleased.
”Since UKIP has become irrelevant with both major U.K. political parties having adopted the totally non-racist agenda of Brexit, I’ve been struggling to work out who I will put an inky cross next to at the next election.”
B Iffer’s comment only provided fuel for critics of the change though.
”See, they’ve been voting already,” Mr L Centrist-Dad told us, “this is just a PR move that will fool no one who has been paying attention to British politics and it’s slow and steady descent into nationalism and idiocy.”
Mr L went on to suggest some kind of mechanism for holding lying ministers to account when the executive was too weak or self interested to would be more useful.
”That’s supposed to be the ballot box,” he sighed, “but with so much of the media dominated by tax exiles and neither Cons or Labour leadership being overly concerned, it seems, about voter manipulation I am a little worried about where we’re headed.”
The gammon is too. They don’t think we’re being ugly enough.
“Get your tin opener out and get out to vote,” Mr Gove added, “personally I think spam is going to choose wisely when the time comes. Don’t you?”