David Davis MP is setting himself up to stun everyone today with an announcement he has solved the Irish Border problem, with the discovery of an already tried and tested seamless border technology.
”All this time we’ve been searching Wikipedia to find a solution to the Irish Border problem, one which doesn’t involve infrastructure at the border and endanger the peace process,” Davis told fellow revellers at the subsidised Commons bar late last night, “and the answer was right there in the pioneering work of Rodenberry and Shatner in the 1960’s.”
It’s believed the solution is a platform from which multiple parties can ‘beam’ to any location on the planet.
”You simply stand on your assigned spot and a technician engages the ‘transporter’ which beams you to a pre-determined location, often without anyone noticing,” Davis enthused, “it’s going to save me time negotiating with Barnier too. Rather than pacing back and forth in a Eurostar train carriage when I now and then decide to make a brief appearance at negotiations, I can just beam right in and out. It will be like I was not really there.”
The only problem now seems to be agreeing a license for the transporters.
”That won’t be difficult, no matter how much it costs, with all the money we’ve already saved just by beginning the Brexit process.”
Final details are yet to be worked out, but Mr Davis envisions a transporter base will be built in time “in Belfast, miles from the border with the Republic. Put another platform in Dublin, say beam me over and hey presto! Conceivably the actual Irish Border can be bristling with customs posts after Brexit and no one will notice.”
Davis adds Theresa May will shortly be seeking approval from her boss Arlene Foster to get the go ahead to spend the money and make it so.
”Just so long as Sinn Fein don’t stick their oar in I can’t see anything but an easy implementation of this imaginative border solution,” Davis said blithely, “lately they’ve been meddling in Irish politics, which is not on, as that’s the job of experts at Downing Street.”