Housing minister Dominic Rabbit is to fix the housing crisis by pledging government assistance to diversify the money laundering business.
”Money laundering is a cornerstone of the financial services offered by the United Kingdom,” Mr Rabbit is to tell journalists later today, while holding a shovel and a brown paper bag.
”For too many years now young people have been pushed off the ladder by our eagerness from the top down to assist wealthy people to legitimise kleptocratic wealth by investing in our capital’s booming housing market,” he will say, “well I pledge to you today that we are gonna my to find other ways to legitimise the ill gotten cash.”
It’s thought the flow of money into London from individuals who are unable to trust a stable rule of law in their home countries has been, “a rich seam we’ve mined the arse out of for decades, but now the political cost of this you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours is becoming apparent.”
So what’s to be done?
”Clearly your human centred Conservative government will seek to deflect the blame for the crisis onto immigrants,” Mr Rabbit will go on appallingly, “that’s just standard government policy now. But other measures need to be taken.”
It’s felt extending the bedroom tax to the rooms adult children are occupying in their parent’s privately owned homes will be part of the package.
”That will distract everyone very nicely with campaigns to stop it.”
But as to where the money will go that is being warehoused in empty flats?
”Into a state sponsored chain of actual laundromats that will run at a loss,” Mr Rabbit will beam, “oh and pizza parlours. Good old fashioned solutions for today’s problems.”
So this will make home ownership and renting more affordable?
”Only until the next election.” Mr Rabbit will wink, “we are a party of landlords after all. We need to look after our chums or who will fund us?”