Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson’s application to join the official village idiots’ club has been rejected. This shocking news comes after he was recently turned down as a candidate for Clown Club membership.
To discover the reasons behind the rejection, LCD’s Rural Curiosities correspondent donned a smock, and headed to Guild headquarters in a village in Somerset. We discovered a man sitting on a wall outside a pub, with a vacant expression on his face. He revealed himself to be the Numpty Dumpty of the Guild of British Village Idiots.
“Ooh, arr, thart be me,” he admitted, trying to get his cigarette to light by dunking it in his scrumpy. “What yer want me fer? Not ruddy Boris again, is it?”
Yes, we replied, he’s been accusing Jeremy Corbyn of saying all the stupid things that Boris himself actually said.
“Oh, fer Pete’s sake!” exclaimed the Numpty. “Boris is more of a court jester than a village idiot. I told ‘im thart meself. ‘E still ain’t joining, and thart’s final.”
But he’s a complete idiot! Why can’t he join? Surely it’s a no-brainer.
“We do ‘ave a good larff,” said the Numpty. “Get ratted and fall over, for people’s amusement. Anyone in their right minds would love to join us. But village idiots can’t be in their right minds, can they? So anyone applying is sane, and therefore disqualifies themselves.”
That’s quite a catch.
Just tell me one more thing. Why do you behave like an archetypal comedy yokel?
“Coz we merged with the Worshipful Company of West-Country Stereotypes,” he explained. “It wuz an April Fool joke wot went wrong. Coz we done it in August.”
He fell off his perch, landing clumsily in a flowerbed and launching his pint into the air. He somersaulted, stood on his head, and caught his flying glass between his feet – to massive applause.
Numpty Dumpty had a great fall.