Theresa May has announced her intention to start a trade war with Argentina in order to boost Tory party prospects in the May 3rd local elections.
”It worked for Maggie,” Stephen Parkinson, Downing Street insider, told us while stopping by to kick our door in, “it’ll work for Theresa. It’s my idea. I don’t want anyone else getting the credit or I’ll put their whole family in danger for payback.”
It’s certainly a shrewd bit of politics and why shouldn’t it work?
”Have they asked Argentina about it?” our international trade correspondent wanted to know, “Trump is coordinating his trade war with China via back channels so both he and Xi look tough, the stock market tumbles and they all make a lot of money buying the right stocks in a bear market before stabilising things again. I’m not sure Theresa has put in the ground work?”
We put his concerns to Stephen.
“Groundwork is for pussies,” Mr Parkinson retorted, “we’re on full wing it mode. Day to day. Seat of your pants stuff. Groundwork? What age is your supposed expert living in? The early 2000’s?”
But will a trade war centred on a few international footballers give May the boost her party needs to not wipe out on May 3rd?
”That’s an easy one,” our political analyst chimed in, “No. 41% of the local elections are in London. Enough said. Remain central. F*ck Theresa May. And very possibly a bit of screw you Jeremy coming too. In order to unite the country behind her she needs Russia to invade the Shetlands, or maybe even Skye.”
Well, that’s encouraging. Good luck with your trade war Theresa come what May. You get this trade war right it’s another fifteen years of Tory rule and flag waving. Global Britain will make Great Britain grate even more. Full cheese grater.
*This article is to be redacted before printing so Boris doesn’t get any ideas about Scottish islands and Russia.