The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has announced today it is to begin deleting statements by foreign secretary Boris Johnson before he says them.
“It’s just standard civil service contingency planning,” H Bogart, head of the FCO staffers told LCD Views during a job interview, “my starting salary isn’t really a concern, just help me get out of there please.”
That’s good. We can’t pay you anything.
“Not a problem.”
But please explain more about your decision regarding Mr Johnson.
“He’s doing what Theresa May needs him to do.”
Be a walking, talking catastrophe?
“Precisely,” Humphrey said, “he absorbs so much news print and media focus. It makes it easier for Ms May to starve children and slash police numbers. So that’s all well and good. It also keeps the Corbyn cultists absolutely swivel eyed obsessed on that Russian matter. Even better. But, and this is an important but.”
We waited.
We waited some more for H Bogart to continue.
What’s the important but?
“Oh, sorry, I was musing on what you offer for lunch? Buffet or fine dining at subsidised prices?”
You can grab lunch from the greasy spoon under our office. You have to pay for your own lunch. We run at a loss.
“Oh, you’re a standard newspaper then. Hmmm. Still…”
The but?
“Oh yes. Having a clown to distract the media and opposition is sensible government policy. Always need a few jokers in the pack. Makes for a f*cking terrible foreign secretary though. You’re not really supposed to squirt people in the eye from a flower on your lapel if you’re the face of the United Kingdom.”
So what’s to be done about it?
“Nothing, by Theresa May, she’s useless. She only fired Patel for trying to funnel taxpayer’s money to the IDF because Boris was cheesed off and ordered her to.”
Well, what are you going to do about it?
“We’ve had some code written. Anything Mr Johnson says now will be deleted before he says it.”
Did you invent a time machine?
“No. Gaffer tape and a sturdy chair. Oh, and a sock for is mouth.”